Oh my friend, my beloved one
Your sullen face trashes my soul like a sword
But that is my destiny for what I have done
Now I sit blankly at myself being ignored
Now I sit blankly at myself being ignored
Since one harsh spring day
when we finally found each other
when we finally found each other
My thin sheet of isolation thrown away
I could dance along with the many another
I could dance along with the many another
Once you were truly cheerful
Beaming at calls and texts desperate to reach me
I would smile and send back replies
Hoping for messages full of love and
care
But as too much water drowns the miller,
Too much love made me flutter myself up above the clouds
I let precious moments and touches slip through my fingers
Looking down at your voice stretched towards me
My haughtiness grew like beanstalk with Jack
You were slowly getting exhausted of myself
Smiling less, not even opening your eyes by
yourself
And I, the stupid one, was full of
ignorance
Now the sweet cloudy zone ends
A sudden gust of wind shove me into the cold blue sky
Where nothingness goes on forever, I am all alone
Warmth and smiles miles and miles away, I cry out of loneliness
So please, remember
Selfish though, it might seem
Selfish though, it might seem
I am dying for you to come and get me
To clutch my hands tightly with your warm heart
For my pride and strength has long gone
And I cannot go down by myself
But don't you worry even if you can't
Because I know, you are not a friend after all
You have batteries bumping in the place of a heart
Still you are the only one I can be honest with
This is very good poetry, and it's nice to read an "ode" that basically is one. Your stanza approach is creative and unique, and you fulfilled the assignments wishes for alliteration and repetition, simile and metaphor etc. You have an excellent sense of pacing and intonation, and the general tone and feeling is very flowing.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, beautiful poetics here and there.
I have no suggestions or criticisms really. At first I was "yet another ode to an phone..." But the subtext and feeling goes beyond that, and the phone-related personification is just enough. Not typical or cliche.
In terms of formatting, you might want to put commas on the end of some lines, and periods on the ends of others (the statements which stand alone and require finality and emphasis).
All in all, wonderful writing.
NOTE: Your font is nice, but very hard to read. I do like the new colors though. As for the font, I had to copy and paste into Word to see it. I have a printed out version with some minor grammatical stuff.